Top 10 fashion purchase regrets
From clogs to sack dresses, Lauren Burvill reveals her top 10 fashion blunders.
Fashion regrets are dangerous things. They can not only be damaging to the soul, but also to the bank account.
As a society we all try and get on with our little lives in the hope of looking the best we can, or at the very least not being mistaken for a hobo. But sometimes through the power of celebrity, shiny catwalk shows and two dimensional photoshoots, we can often lose our way and convince ourselves that acid wash ripped jeans are a great life choice.
‘I’ll wear them to gigs with my leather jacket’ you tell yourself. The only problem is you don’t go out to gigs and you don’t have a leather jacket. The $200 or so you just spent is gone forever and now you’re stuck with a pair of acid wash jeans that you’ll try on once at home only to realise you have nothing else to wear them with.
If this sad but true story rings a little too close to home with you then now is the time to admit you’re indeed a sucker for fashion fads. It’s okay, we all have our weaknesses and yours just happens to be getting sucked into buying shoulder padded blazers because that’s the ‘must have item’ of the season. Now is the time to learn from your mistakes. As a start, I’m going to share my own top 10 fashion purchase regrets.
Just because the genius that is Karl Lagerfeld does something, doesn’t mean the rest of the population should follow. Case in point: clogs. Thanks to the style being resurrected at Chanel and Louis Vuitton, they are everywhere at the moment and unless you have a wardrobe full of pastel shirts, legs for days and can handle seriously uncomfortable footwear, clogs are a bad choice. Next season they will more than likely be collecting dust or have been turned into fire wood.
Let’s not kid ourselves here. At one point in our lives I’m sure we’ve all tried to shimmy our way into a pair of ridiculously stiff denim jeans. I have a vague recollection of naively trying on a pair of stove pipe Tsubis, back in the day. I say vague because I couldn’t even get them past my thighs and as a consequence blocked the traumatic experience from my mind. To add more insult to injury the perky and over prying sales assistant kept insisting that I venture outside the fitting room to show her how they fit. In order to save my hips further embarrassment I feigned being sick and told her the music in the store was so loud that it had given me a headache, before dumping the minuscule pants and making a run for it. That day I learnt a valuable lesson – if you’re not a skinny person, skinny jeans are not a good idea. Same goes for hipster pants if you have hips like Shakira.
Snap crotch leotards
The retail chains seemed to have a strange love affair with the snap crotch leotard last season, and I predict that those same styles will be wheeled out again this spring. Marketed as an alternative to a singlet or T-shirt, the leotard has the clever ability to stay neatly tucked into your skirt or jeans. Like most fads, in theory this makes sense. But come bathroom time, the end idea of snapping studs near your crotch really doesn’t justify the means. Stick to plain old T-shirts and singlets.
Turtle neck jumpers
No matter how cold it is, or how luxurious the fabric may be, turtle neck jumpers are never a good idea. You never really hear anyone say ‘boy I love my turtle neck jumper, it goes with everything in my wardrobe. Best purchase I ever made.’ You know why you don’t hear people say that? Because much like the name suggests, a turtle neck makes you look a bit like a turtle. Same goes for roll neck jumpers.
The footless tight trend has died down of late but yet there are still people out there thinking the style is a good idea. Granted it does only cost $7 or so to purchase a pair, so your bank account isn’t totally harmed by the purchase, but what about your ankles? Do they really deserve to be exposed to the elements and appear stumpier than they really are?
Boettega Veneta, YSL and Marc Jacobs would have you all believe that purchasing a bandeau top for summer is a great way to spend your hard earned cash. But let me get you in on a little secret here. Bandeau is really just another word for bra. Would you ever pull a ‘Sue Ellen Mischke’ (a minor but notable Seinfeldcharacter) and wear your bra out in public as a top? If not, then best avoid the bandeau top this summer.
Much like a turtle neck jumper, the name of this dress should really indicate why you should steer clear of this style. But sometimes through the power of kitsch sixties styling, the sack dress can appear appealing. I have also fallen victim to the lure of the sack dress, that is until a stranger asked me ‘when are you due’? With a look of horror on my face the enquirer quickly covered their tracks by saying they thought I was wearing a maternity dress. That was the end of the line for me and my black sack of a dress. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
The bike pant trend is actually a serious one, with the skin tight lycra style being worn under skirts and dresses as a play on layering. Cool kid Alexander Wang even produced a few styles for his resort line. With clever styling and lacy fabrics anyone could be tricked into thinking bike pants are a good idea. Until you purchase some and realise they are not. Leave the bike pants for people who ride bikes.
Jersey maxi dresses
If fashion theorists are to be believed this so called ‘wardrobe staple’ should make the wearer appear tall, thin and toned. This theory has tricked many a clueless customer into investing in the deceivingly unflattering jersey maxi dress. The style is almost always made for those you are over six foot, leaving the rest of us shorties with yards of fabric dragging along the ground. The dress also has a horrible ability to cling to the body, showing off every lump and bump making it impossible to wear unless industrial super strength Spanx are involved.
Unless you are spicing things up in the bedroom I have no idea how this item of clothing can come across as anything other than ‘cheap hooker.’ I know Rihanna and the lovely hot mess that is Taylor Momsen wear the underwear as outwear with pride, but I’m onto their fashion crime. Thigh high boots and thigh high socks with short skirts are also questionable life choices.
Posted on The Age