There are many reasons that celebrity gossip magazines make me want to throw hot noodles in my eyes, and one of them is because I hate celebrity breakups. The ones that involve Johnny Depp and Vanessa Paradis not being together. Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins no longer being awesome together. Because if Britney and K-Fed (never forget!) couldn’t work things out – what hope do the rest of us have?
With the recent news that K-Stew and R-Patz could be on the road to splitsville, I thought I should take it upon myself to reach out to my favourite celebrity couples and tell them that they are not allowed to break up. Ever!
Beyonce and Jay Z
Never has there been a more perfect match on earth than Beyonce and Jay Z. Both with killer careers, killer smiles, killer bank accounts. Besides money and looks, who else is man enough to handle the independent woman that is Beyonce? Anyone less than cigar smoking Jay Z and she’d probably crush their skulls with her womanly thighs – which is incidentally how many of my male friends would like to die. The pair first met when collaborating on Beyonce’s ‘Crazy in Love’ song when she was only 19. Though their film clips have made us all witness just how hot their sex probably is, they’ve kept the rest of the relationship pretty private, including secretly getting married in 2008. Earlier this year the couple welcomed their first child Blue Ivy Carter into the world, a baby gurl who is destined for musical greatness, killer thighs and fly parents.
Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russell
They are the shining beacon for couples living in sin, proving you don’t need to be married to be the best couple ever. The two first met in 1968 when filming The One and Only Genuine Original Family Man but didn’t get together until 1983 when they starred in the movie Swing Shift. Since that time they have raised four kids together, walked red carpets together and spurned off marriage questions together. With 29 years of awesomeness together, if Goldie and Kurt ever decide to call it quits, run for your lives because the apocalypse is nigh.
Amy Poehler and Will Arnett
What happens when Lesley Knope from Parks and Recreation marries Gob Bluthe from Arrested Development? Ahhh the best comedy couple ever! The couple have been married since 2003 and continue to star alongside each other, firstly with Amy starring at Gob’s wife in Arrested Development, then together as skate brother and sister team in Blades of Glory, then Will starring as Lesley Knope’s super creepy blind date in Parks and Recreation. Oi vey, someone give this couple their own TV show already. If you thought you and your other half had a lot of joking fun, wait till you see these two riffing with each other.
Megan Mullally and Nick Offerman
Another funnier-couple-than-you-and-your-boyfriend/girlfriend-will-ever-be is Megan Mullaley and Nick Offerman aka Ron and Tammy Two. YES THE SLUTTY LIBRARIAN AND BREAKFAST LOVING PARKS DEPARTMENT WORKER ARE A COUPLE IRL!!! Imagine the laughs they must have. I bet even the sex is like a one hour comedy special.
Yeah one hour. You heard me. Anyone that can grow a moustache like that, is confident enough to wear corn-rows for a laugh and can make actual tables and boats with his bare hands has got to be a tiger in the sack. Just look at the shit he actually makes in real life. Nick Offerman is all man people!
Ice T and Coco
Much like their reality TV show Ice loves Coco suggests, Ice T loves his wife Coco Austin. And it’s the stuff trailer trash dreams are made of. The rapper turned actor and ‘body model’ met on the set of a music video and were married in 2001 in, of course, Las Vegas. They later went on to renew their vows last year in a very un-private ceremony to mark their ten year anniversary. I’m still convinced that when their show comes to an inevitable end, the twist will be revealed that Coco is actually a dude called Cameron from Long Island with a fantastic plastic surgeon. And it will end with Ice T still confessing that he ‘loves Coco.’ That’s true love guys!
Hugh Jackman and Deborra Lee Furness
I’m hardly a romantic at heart, but when I see Hugh Jackman look at Deborra Lee Furness, his wife of 16 years, I’m like a pool of melted butter. Now I’m just going to go ahead and say it. Hugh could pretty much have any woman that he wanted. Not that Debra isn’t beautiful and looking freakishly amazing for 56, but Hugh is a major Hollywood heart-throb. He is Wolverine. He could be up in some Angelina-Scarlett-Miranda type sexy if he really wanted to be. But he doesn’t, because he loves Deborra. You never hear any scandals about them either. No ‘on the rocks’ rumours. Just them being awesome with their two adopted kids. Loving life. And hopefully never breaking up.
EllenDeGeneres and Portia de Rossi Another Bluthe family member makes it onto the list in the form of Portia De Rossi and her dancing talk-show wife Ellen De Generous. I remember when Ellen and Portia first got together the gossip commentators were accusing Portia of being a straight gold digger pretending to be a lesbian into order to swindle Ellen out of her fortunes and run away to Mexico with the Latino pool boy. Well hey Richard Reid, not only is your voice the sound of donkeys dying and your tan the colour of my peri peri chips, but like always, the crap you screamed was wrong! The blonde couple have been together for eight years now, four of them in marital bliss, and they are indeed quite in love and rather awesome together.
Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale
It wasn’t that long ago that gossip magazines were saying Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale were on the rocks. Well I’m here to tell you Gwen my gurl, to hang on in there because you two belong together! Plus if you can take my advise and stick it out, you’ll probably qualify for a Guiness World Record as the first rock and roll couple to last the distance, with out sex and drugs getting in the way to spoil the marriage party. In true rock star form the couple met on tour in 1995 when Gwen was with No Doubt and Gavin was with Bush. Seven years later they were married, with two receptions taking place so Gwen could wear her custom-made John Galliano wedding dress because she’s really awesome like that. Gwen and Gavin (Gwevin?) now have two sons with ridiculous rock star names like ‘Zuma Nesta’ and are still going strong despite the tabloid crap. You stay strong Gwevin. And if you ever have any issues you come talk to me. I have managed to convince a boy to put up with me and my flannelette-pyjama-wearing habits for a total of two years now, so I’m pretty much an expert when it comes to heavy relationshippy stuff.
Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter
There are those couples that just don’t make sense; Tom Cruise and Cher, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman, Tom Cruise and my pet cactus. Then there are those couples that make absolute sense; Tim Burton and Helena Bonham Carter. The poster couple for Halloween have been together since 2001 when they met on the set of Planet of the Apes in which Tim directed and Helena starred as an apparently rather sexy ape. The couple have since enjoyed a loving albeit unconventional relationship, often working together on the same films but living in separate houses that are connected in Sutton Courtenay, England. Tim and Helena have two children and lots of kooky clothes which they wear all the time together. This often results in them appearing of ‘worst dressed lists’ but I think it makes them rad thus their appearance on this list. Tom Cruise take note.
Kanye and Kim
They’re on the list purely because I don’t think I could stand the media lobotomy that would be their demise. The twitter rants and the Oprah specials and the fake robotic crying – I just can’t go through that goddam it. Imagine all of the CAPITAL LETTERS it would involve. It’s too much! Though their inevitable breakup is bound to make them millions, in the mean time they do kind of make sense together. Both have big bank accounts, big egos and are big douche bags. Its a formula that has worked before for couples like Dennis Rodman and Carmen Electra. That is until their relationship died in a fire and we all cheered. But you know, good luck to you Kimye!