5 fabulous revenge films
They say revenge is a dish best served cold, but I think it’s best served fabulous complete with big hair, red lips and dramatic sleeves. Whether against a rival, a once-friend or an ex-lover, revenge should always be well plotted, hilariously executed and undertaken while wearing power suits and looking a million bucks. While I’ve never ever set out for revenge, thanks to Hollywood’s pioneering efforts, I think I’d have a good idea of going about it thanks to these 5 fabulous revenge films.
Starring my TV mother Roseanne as a dowdy housewife with a scary-cancerous-looking mole and Meryl as a fantastically pink-clad romance novelist, She Devil is a lesson for blonde mistresses everywhere – domestic bliss is overrated. After Meryl steals Roseanne’s accountant husband and father of two, Roseanne plots to turn the new couple’s life from glamourous romance novel to cold, harsh and ugly reality. A fantastic win for housewives and pastel pink fashion everywhere.
Death Becomes Her
That Meryl Streep certainly loves to play a husband stealer, this time as an ageing actress in another fabulous revenge favourite, Death Becomes Her. The husband in question this time though is Bruce Willis, married to a plain-jane Goldie Hawn who eventually has a hilarious fat-suit breakdown following their breakup. But you know what they say – the best revenge is looking good and boy does she end up looking good! That red dress! That auburn hair. Those freaky contacts. That hole in her stomach. Yes as it turns out, the fountain of youth has some scary consequences. Oh and nothing reunites a broken friendship like a good-old fashioned cat-fight.
The First Wives Club
In another revenge movie six degrees of separation, Goldie Hawn gets revenge on her cheating husband, this time in the form of a bitter divorce and black mail in The First Wives Club. This movie pretty much has the best cast ever in the form of Goldie, Diane Keaton, Bette Midler, Maggie Smith, Stockard Channing and Sarah Jessica Parker who plays the younger woman that Bette’s husband Morty leaves her for. Finding themselves on the brink of divorce Goldie, Diane and Bette team up to plot revenge on their lousy husbands and ending up singing ‘You Don’t Own Me’ (while wearing white suits) all the way to the bank. So good.
Witches of Eastwick
Oh God, could this movie be any sexier? Starring a pre-plastic surgery Cher, glassy eyed Michelle Pfeiffer and Susan Sarandon looking I think the best she’s every looked in a film, the Witches of Eastwick is a tale of magic and revenge that begins when a mysterious and brutishly handsome Jack Nicholson moves to the town of Eastwick where the three women live as friends. Like a moth to a flame, the women are helpless to fall under Jack’s spell, making themselves outcasts in the town and experiencing witch-like powers that they try to ignore. After their powers are unintentionally used for evil instead of good, the three try to shun the magic and their alluring master, resulting in a battle between good and evil, sexy vixens and a devilish man. It’s not hard to guess who comes out on top – with amazing hair like that, how can you ever lose?
Romy and Michelle’s Highschool Reunion
Just thinking about this movie makes me grin. I had it on video (yes video) at my dad’s house and watched it religiously all throughout high school (it gave me hope in a dustbowl part of the world). Ten years on, I still remember all the words (ok Toby, fuck off!) and I now find myself at the same age as Romy and Michelle aka Mira Sorvino and Lisa Kudrow. There are many reasons why I didn’t go to my high school reunion a few weeks ago and one of them is that it never would have lived up to this movie, so what’s the point? Unlike the two blonde business women (who’d like to order the business woman’s special) I have no revenge to take out on the ‘popular girls.’ Because just like in the movie they’re now all married with kids and I’m single and fabulous and still know how to rock a pink mini dress and reenact dances in front of strangers. I guess while all the other revenge films take it out literally, Romy and Michelle are more from the revenge school of ‘living well.’ One that I try to subscribe to on a daily basis – while eating lots of gummy bears and watching Pretty Woman.