Confessions of a non-coffee drinker

street-style-coffee-3Brace yourself because I’m about to admit something that often results in a series of gasps and wide eyes…. I don’t drink coffee.

Not because I’m on a detox or trying to cut down on caffeine. I just simply don’t like it. I’ve tried my fair share. And I can down a mocha if I really have to. If I feel the peer pressure to take a sip. And believe me, there is coffee peer pressure. And frowns and perplexed faces and a barrage of questions like ‘why?’ or ‘but how do you wake up?’ right through to ‘what the fuck is wrong with you?’

I don’t think there is anything wrong with me, that is apart from the usual complexities. Like any  28 year old girl I have my fair share of issues; uneven eye brows, airport anxiety, the inability to spell definetily definitely, an unexplainable yet embarrassing love for Drake and so on. But I don’t count not drinking coffee as one of them.

As a non believer of the cult of coffee, coffee is just a warm bitter liquid that, while smelling nice, tastes a bit yucky and makes you have bad breath. It’s not the source of all living things like some people try and make out. Nor should it be a status symbol that people proudly hold in their hand, like they think buying some shitty Starbucks concoction makes them look like an Olsen twin.

Eyeing off the enemy

Despite this warm liquid being just that, a liquid, people look at me in disgust and bewilderment every time I turn their cup down.  Like they’ve just asked me if I like puppies or sunny days or Jennifer Lawrence.

“Well if you don’t drink coffee, you must at least drink tea right?”

Why? Why if I don’t drink on hot liquid, do I have to at least drink another, warm bitter flavoured water?

“No, I don’t really like tea.”

Depending on where I am in the world, I’ll be met with a range of reactions, from ‘weirdo’ in Australia to ‘that bitch has two heads’ in England. Once again, I’ll do tea if I have to. And I’ll happily sip the green stuff at sushi. But given the choice between coffee, tea and water at the break of dawn, and I’m going for a big old bottle of H20. The way it should be, right?

And yet from the general population’s perspective, I’m the weirdo. Where’s the logic in that? Well if I have to be…

While I’m comfortable being the freak non-coffee drinker in society, a little part of me does wish I could be apart of the cult (I told you I had issues). The part of the cult that means you can go driving in a car with Jerry Seinfeld (life goals), or bond with a friend over their new coffee machine (zero fucks given), or get into the festive spirit with a heart warming eggnog latte (which really does taste like a jizz milkshake).

But for now. I’ll stick to my water. Straight up, de-caf, sugar free, vegan, clear old fashioned water. With a shot of tequila on the side, of course.




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