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Confessions of a non-coffee drinker

street-style-coffee-3Brace yourself because I’m about to admit something that often results in a series of gasps and wide eyes…. I don’t drink coffee.

Not because I’m on a detox or trying to cut down on caffeine. I just simply don’t like it. I’ve tried my fair share. And I can down a mocha if I really have to. If I feel the peer pressure to take a sip. And believe me, there is coffee peer pressure. And frowns and perplexed faces and a barrage of questions like ‘why?’ or ‘but how do you wake up?’ right through to ‘what the fuck is wrong with you?’

I don’t think there is anything wrong with me, that is apart from the usual complexities. Like any Β 28 year old girl I have my fair share of issues; uneven eye brows, airport anxiety, the inability to spell definetilyΒ definitely, an unexplainable yet embarrassing love for Drake and so on. But I don’t count not drinking coffee as one of them.

As a non believer of the cult of coffee, coffee is just a warm bitter liquid that, while smelling nice, tastes a bit yucky and makes you have bad breath. It’s not the source of all living things like some people try and make out. Nor should it be a status symbol that people proudly hold in their hand, like they think buying some shitty Starbucks concoction makes them look like an Olsen twin.

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Eyeing off the enemy

Despite this warm liquid being just that, a liquid, people look at me in disgust and bewilderment every time I turn their cup down. Β Like they’ve just asked me if I like puppies or sunny days or Jennifer Lawrence.

“Well if you don’t drink coffee, you must at least drink tea right?”

Why? Why if I don’t drink on hot liquid, do I have to at least drink another, warm bitter flavoured water?

“No, I don’t really like tea.”

Depending on where I am in the world, I’ll be met with a range of reactions, from ‘weirdo’ in Australia to ‘that bitch has two heads’ in England. Once again, I’ll do tea if I have to. And I’ll happily sip the green stuff at sushi. But given the choice between coffee, tea and water at the break of dawn, and I’m going for a big old bottle of H20. The way it should be, right?

And yet from the general population’s perspective, I’m the weirdo. Where’s the logic in that? Well if I have to be…

While I’m comfortable being the freak non-coffee drinker in society, a little part of me does wish I could be apart of the cult (I told you I had issues). The part of the cult that means you can go driving in a car with Jerry Seinfeld (life goals), or bond with a friend over their new coffee machine (zero fucks given), or get into the festive spirit with a heart warming eggnog latte (which really does taste like a jizz milkshake).

But for now. I’ll stick to my water. Straight up, de-caf, sugar free, vegan, clear old fashioned water. With a shot of tequila on the side, of course.

 

 

 

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